Short Summary
The Way I Used to Be by Amber Smith is a raw, emotional journey that explores trauma, resilience, and healing, as it follows a young girl’s struggle to regain her sense of self after a life-altering event shatters her innocence.
Book Information
Title: The Way I Used to Be
Author: Amber Smith
ISBN: 978-1481449366
Genre: Young Adult, Contemporary, Realistic Fiction, Romance, Coming of Age
Published: 2016
Detailed Summary
Amber Smith’s The Way I Used to Be tells the story of Eden McCrorey, a high school freshman whose life is forever changed after a traumatic incident. Through Eden’s story, the novel explores profound themes of identity, trauma, recovery, and resilience as she navigates the long and painful road to healing. Told in four parts, each representing a year in high school, the novel illustrates Eden's transformation as she tries to cope with her trauma and piece together her fractured identity.
1. Freshman Year: Innocence Shattered
The book begins with Eden as a quiet, intelligent, and naive freshman. Eden’s life takes a horrifying turn when she is sexually assaulted by her older brother’s best friend, Kevin, someone she trusted. This event shatters Eden’s sense of safety, self-worth, and trust in the people around her. Kevin warns her to keep the assault a secret, threatening her into silence and leaving her feeling isolated and helpless.
Eden’s Struggle with Silence and Shame
In the aftermath of the assault, Eden is overcome by shame, fear, and anger. She cannot bring herself to tell her parents or her older brother, Caelin, who would likely not believe her or may even turn on her, given Kevin’s close relationship with their family. Her silence becomes a source of intense internal conflict and self-blame.
“How do you say the words? How do you make them real, instead of pretending they never happened?”
Transformation of Innocence to Anger
As Eden struggles with her trauma, she begins to change on a fundamental level. Her straight-A grades and love for learning start to deteriorate, as her emotional wounds and the weight of her secret consume her. Her relationship with her family and friends suffers, and she becomes withdrawn, filled with anger and confusion. This period is marked by Eden's internalized pain, a feeling of being trapped, and the initial cracks in her self-identity.
2. Sophomore Year: Rebellion and Self-Destruction
As Eden enters her sophomore year, she adopts a rebellious and self-destructive persona. She no longer strives for academic excellence or close friendships. Instead, she begins to act out, distancing herself from her old self in an attempt to escape the trauma that defines her life.
Adopting a New Persona
Eden’s behavior becomes increasingly reckless, and she dives into new friendships and relationships that lead her further from her past self. She begins experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and casual relationships in an attempt to numb her pain and assert control over her body.
- Changing Appearance: Eden changes her appearance, dressing in ways that attract attention, embodying the outward rebellion that reflects her inner turmoil.
- Distancing from Family: Her family struggles to recognize the person she has become, and Eden feels increasingly alienated from them.
“If I can make myself numb, I don’t have to feel anything. If I don’t have to feel anything, I don’t have to remember anything.”
Loss of Friendships and Isolation
Her old friendships, especially with Mara, are deeply affected by her drastic personality change. She isolates herself from those who knew her as "the old Eden," which intensifies her loneliness. This phase is marked by Eden’s descent into bitterness and her belief that she is beyond saving.
3. Junior Year: Spiraling Downward and Seeking Validation
By junior year, Eden's destructive behaviors escalate, and she becomes increasingly reckless, using relationships as a way to cope and assert control. She engages in multiple toxic relationships, searching for validation and a sense of power over her own body, which she feels was stolen from her.
Romantic Entanglements and Toxic Patterns
Eden uses relationships as a means to fill the emptiness within herself, seeking validation in all the wrong places. She becomes involved in a series of shallow relationships, often with older boys, and allows herself to be mistreated as she struggles with feelings of worthlessness.
- Relationship with Josh: One of the pivotal relationships Eden enters into during this year is with a boy named Josh. Their relationship is dysfunctional, filled with misunderstandings, and reflects Eden’s growing sense of worthlessness.
“Maybe if I let myself be used, I can convince myself that I have some kind of control over the brokenness inside me.”
Eden’s Academic and Emotional Decline
Her grades continue to suffer as she neglects school and rejects the things she once cared about. She lashes out at her teachers, family, and friends, unwilling to let anyone get close to her or see her vulnerability. Her identity seems almost entirely eclipsed by anger and bitterness.
Struggle with Self-Worth
Eden’s relationships and self-destructive tendencies mask her profound inner struggle with self-worth. She feels permanently damaged and continues to blame herself for what happened, feeling undeserving of love, respect, or happiness.
4. Senior Year: Confrontation, Acceptance, and Healing
In her senior year, Eden begins to confront the reality of her trauma and starts on a journey toward healing. This phase represents a turning point, as she realizes that continuing on her current path will only lead to further self-destruction. Slowly, she begins to reclaim control over her life and work through her trauma.
Confronting the Trauma
After years of silence, Eden finds the strength to face what happened to her. She reaches a breaking point, where she realizes that the shame and anger she’s carried are not hers to bear. This moment is the start of her acceptance, though she knows it will not be an easy road.
“I can’t keep letting what happened to me define me. I want to live a life that’s mine.”
Rebuilding Relationships
Eden begins to reconnect with her family, particularly her mother and brother, and seeks to repair some of the friendships that she pushed away. Her journey isn’t without setbacks, but she learns that she doesn’t have to suffer in silence and that she can find strength in vulnerability.
Finding Her Own Strength
Through counseling and self-reflection, Eden starts to regain her sense of identity. She realizes that healing is a process and that, while she cannot change the past, she can reclaim her future. Her journey towards healing is gradual and not without pain, but she takes small steps to redefine herself beyond the trauma she endured.
Themes and Analysis
The Way I Used to Be is a profound exploration of trauma, recovery, and resilience, examining the many ways trauma can impact an individual’s life and the long, complex journey toward healing.
Major Themes
- Trauma and Silence: Eden’s silence about her assault highlights the profound impact of trauma on one’s psyche and the societal pressure to remain silent, especially as a young woman.
- Identity and Transformation: Eden’s personality changes dramatically as a result of her trauma, illustrating the ways people may lose themselves in the aftermath of a traumatic event.
- Self-Worth and Acceptance: Eden’s self-destructive behavior reflects her lack of self-worth. Her journey to self-acceptance is a central theme, as she learns to view herself as more than just a victim.
- Healing and Recovery: The novel shows that healing is not linear and that it requires strength, vulnerability, and patience. Eden’s road to recovery is filled with setbacks, but it’s her determination to reclaim her life that eventually allows her to begin the healing process.
Symbolism of Eden’s Changing Appearance
Throughout the book, Eden’s appearance mirrors her inner turmoil. Her drastic changes in clothing, behavior, and self-image reflect her attempt to distance herself from the “old Eden” and cope with her trauma by reinventing herself externally, even though she remains broken inside.
Conclusion
The Way I Used to Be by Amber Smith is a heart-wrenching but ultimately hopeful story that sheds light on the effects of trauma and the strength it takes to heal. Eden’s journey is one of pain, anger, and transformation, yet it also shows the resilience of the human spirit. By the end, she learns that while trauma may leave lasting scars, it doesn’t have to define her entire life. The novel’s powerful message about self-worth, healing, and resilience resonates deeply, making it a compelling story about reclaiming one’s voice and identity.